The myths, the madness and the mirror of bisexuality

Bisexuals: "We're too queer to be straight and too straight to be queer. So we're shunned by both. And that's shameful, especially by people who know what it is to be shunned," says Glenn Scofield Williams , a 43-year-old bisexual who believes that, as a whole, the queer community does its best to be inclusive. "Where it breaks down, is with individuals within the community."

Williams says that he's neither homosexual, nor heterosexual; he's just sexual.

"Why should I need to define it any more than that?" asks the bookseller and free-lance writer who occasionally contributes to Just Out . Williams has been in a committed relationship with his female partner for 16 years. But, he says, "The dick is its own connoisseur and how it responds to stimuli is what makes me sexual...not where I end up putting it."

Scott Dillinger, a 34-year-old gay man who works at Oregon Health and Sciences University as a social worker and therapist, says, "I do not believe that human sexuality is a locked feature, like eye color or other physical traits." Rather, Dillinger believes sexuality is one of the most fluid human characteristics, "one that is continuously being explored and developed as we age."

Bi woman Yasmine Branden, who works for a Portland utility company, is in a long-term relationship with a lesbian. Branden says bisexuality is "a capacity for attraction-emotional, physical, intellectual-to more than one gender. By identifying as bi, you affirm the complex spectrum of sexuality."

Meg Daly, who identified as a lesbian for six years before embracing her bisexuality, says she doesn't think she'd been bi all along. Daly, who writes regularly for Just Out , says , "sexual orientation has a number of factors to it, including sexual attraction, of course. But it is also a political identity, a social identity and an intellectual framework through which one sees the world." She adds that queers need to allow each other the "flexibility to change, to explore, to discover on our own."

Lesbian Carol Parker, a student at Portland State University, is less concerned with physiology and focuses on her deep-rooted tendencies instead of a sexual structure that molds the human condition. "All I know for sure," says Parker, "is that at age 6, I fell in love with Lindsay Wagner, and was the Bionic Woman for Halloween for three years in a row."

Little queer labels

"No one seriously thinks that people's personalities can be summed up with Type A, Type B.... So why should we seriously believe that people's sexuality can be summed up by gay, straight and bi?" says Williams . "Human personality and sexuality are too complex for labels. Leave the labels for the psychiatrists who use them to make generalizations, but who know better than to believe they are real, closed systems."

Daly agrees that it's dangerous to categorize people. "The queer community runs the risk of cleaving too strongly to the categories that have been imposed on us-we don't need to divide ourselves against ourselves."

She adds, "I feel very muddled about the whole 'tag' thing. Honestly, I think what it feels like is like what I felt back in 1997 [when Daly fell in love with her partner Scott]-that I'm a lesbian who is in love with a man. I'm not trying to make a political statement by saying that; I'm trying to just be very honest about some very delicate feelings."

Not only did she feel then that she was driving a wedge between she and her lesbian friends, but Daly also hated the sigh of relief from particular relatives when she retracted her lesbian identity and came out as bi. And she says she suffered from internalized bi-phobia, a very real condition for many gays and lesbians. "For me," Daly says, "evolving into being bisexual has coincided with a general sense of wanting to move beyond external definitions of myself."

The problem with categories, says Williams , is "one can feel threatened by those outside the categories. Straight people feel threatened by the idea of queerness. Queers feel threatened by the idea of mutable sexuality. American culture is obsessed with.either you're straight or you're queer. Either you're male or you're female. Either you're for us or you're against us.. It's absurd."

Parker believes that instead of doing away with categories, it may be time to find new ones within the GLBT community to alleviate some of the burden that bisexuals carry. When many young people experiment with same-sex attraction and, in turn, flee when they get in over their heads, they hurt a lot of gay and lesbians in the their path of self-exploration.

"Perhaps these experiences leave a mark that, as we get older, doesn't really mature. It happened to me, on more than one occasion," says Parker. "Perhaps a new label should be developed for these individuals-how about...Youngbian...or Considersexual."

Parker jests, but her quip suggests some people may use the term too loosely, giving bisexuals a bad name.

Parker's bi partner, Gina James, remarks, "I can't tell you how many dykes I've met that believe bisexuality is just straight girls screwing around and breaking the hearts of their sisters.. Many gays and lesbians resent someone laying claim to their subculture when that someone is in it [the queer community] only because they happen not to be in a heterosexual relationship at the time."

Myths

Bisexuality is simply indecision or just a "rest stop" on the way to Gay-ville. "I think that we're sometimes perceived by [gays and lesbians] as being fence-sitters, being indecisive and unable to come out fully in our gay identity," says Laury Weiss, organizer of Portland's Bisexual Community Forum who has had significant relationships with both men and women. Weiss, 58, says the truth is that "we have our own identity-which includes loving people of the same gender."

Still, Dillinger recognizes that, for some gays and lesbians, bisexuality sometimes can be a convenient "rest stop" on the path to coming out. He says, "Many gay and lesbian people, myself included, have identified as bisexual at one time or another.in an attempt to dip my toe in the water to gauge [my friends'] reaction to the idea that I may be attracted to men. I continued to pursue women, but I was also able to begin being more comfortable and open about my same-sex attraction."

Daly admits there might be some truth to theory, believing that coming to terms with one's sexuality is no Point A to Point B journey. "Some of the anger and misperceptions come from the fact that coming out is a process. It's not like we all spring forth from the proverbial closet as fully formed lesbians and gay men. Many people go through a time of confusion or exploration where the lines are all blurry," she says.

Many gays and lesbians have a hard time understanding how bisexuals "can't just make up their mind," says Dillinger. "People struggle to understand, and therefore find it easier to just pass judgment and form an opinion that 'those darn bisexuals...they just need to work through it and figure it out!' It is difficult for some to imagine that perhaps they have figured it out...and 'it' is bisexuality as a sexual orientation!"

A relationship with a bisexual is doomed to failure. When Parker first began dating James, she was guarded. This was due, in part, to the pain she felt in the deterioration of her prior relationship, but also in part to how gays and lesbians view bisexuals.

"I certainly didn't want to risk so much again," admits Parker. "I wanted someone who knew who they were, sexually and otherwise. I didn't want to be an experiment for a young girl's sexual boundaries. So, I was up front about all of that when I met Gina, and although she was bisexual, she was done experimenting. I think that makes all of the difference."

Dillinger explains, "Those people who date bisexuals run the risk, just as anyone else does, of having their relationship fail. Unfortunately, when relationships fail, one of the first things we tend to do is look for a place to lay blame. When dating a bisexual, a failed relationship sets up the perfect opportunity to be hurt and/or upset about an ex's bisexuality! But the reality is that the relationship will almost never fail because Partner A is bisexual. If anything, the relationship will fail because Partner B does not under stand Partner A's bisexuality."

Bisexuals lack sexual control and are uninterested in monogamy. "Polyamory is definitely more common in the bisexual community," Weiss acknowledges. But, he adds, it doesn't reflect the entire bisexual community. He suggests that many straight couples enjoy polyamorous relationships, and open relationships in the gay male community seem more prevalent than exclusively monogamous ones. Bisexuals, he says, are just as human and unique as everyone else and equally as interested and capable of monogamy.

Bisexuals aren't to be trusted because they sleep with the enemy. Dillinger believes sexual identity is immaterial when it comes to trusting someone in a relationship. He says, "It is important to distinguish trust issues from our own feelings and opinions about human sexuality. Some gay men may look at bisexuals and think 'I couldn't date him...he will just end up leaving me for a woman.' [But] it's just as likely that he will leave you for another man. Gender is irrelevant. If the relationship isn't strong, it won't be bisexuality that causes its undoing."

Bisexuals suffer from homophobia and lack of solidarity with gays and lesbians. "Some gays and lesbians seem to believe that bisexuals are hiding behind that label to avoid the risks and pressures of being gay or lesbian. There is a certain level of cultural acceptance for bisexuals...more so with women," notes Dillinger. "Gays and lesbians sometimes harbor some resentment toward bisexuals...because they feel like bisexuals won't join them in solidarity in the gay rights movement."

The madness

"Gays and lesbians have blamed bisexuals for everything from the failure of monogamy to the AIDS epidemic," says Williams . "We've been called liars and indecisive and nonexistent.I mean, look at [Hollywood actress] Anne Heche. She fell in love with a man and the gay media made her out to be a fame-grubbing, two-faced, manipulative poser. What about the possibility that, after a great loving relationship with [lesbian comedian Ellen Degeneres], their relationship fell apart and she fell in love with someone else? Would she have been so demonized in the press if she had fallen for another woman? I don't think so."

But mention Heche's name in certain circles, and sharp words would be flying and chairs could be broken. Deb France, a 38-year-old lesbian architect who is not only in a committed relationship with a bisexual woman, but who also worked through her own homosexual identity during a long marriage, points the finger at people like Heche for misconceptions of bisexuals.

"I blame those like Anne Heche, the bitch!" France exclaims. "Seriously, when do we know if our partner is really on-board with our sexual identity, or if they are simply following the flavor of the day? Is sex like Baskin-Robbins 31 flavors? There seems to be a need for some clarity."

But 31 flavors sound good to Williams . "One's inherent sexuality is a subconscious weaving of one's fantasy, biology, psychology and sometimes merely one's changing fancy or the flavor-of-the-day," he says . "There are so many more flavors to ice cream than vanilla and chocolate. There are hundreds of colors in the rainbow. There are a myriad different ways people are sexual."

Dillinger remarks, "It is a strange sociological phenomenon when an oppressed group will turn around and oppress another group." He attributes the action to inherent human need for power and control. "If a person is being oppressed as a minority, he or she will often find a way to find that control and power by oppressing someone else," he says.

As a bisexual, James senses different vibes from different subsets of the lesbian community. In addition to feeling threatened, older dykes-those who have fought harder than she has to openly proclaim their sexuality-are jealous about what is taken for granted today. She says, "They don't seem to want those bisexual imposters riding on the coattails of that hard-won privilege."

Branden theorizes, "Discrimination affords an oppressed group of people-in this case gays and lesbians-to have an expendable sacrificial group during the fight for equality. Every march to freedom has had an expendable faction, a political bargaining chip.... It may be that the bi segment is that bargaining chip, or maybe it's transgendered people. The point is, if you don't fit neatly into the box you aren't 'one of us;' therefore, we don't want you or your ideas, experiences, voice in our club."

In this, Dillinger sees hypocrisy.

"It is rather sad that some people in the G&L community continue to perpetuate discrimination against other people when we've struggled so long and hard to fight this kind of poisonous thinking," Dillinger says with conviction. "It baffles me that people fail to see the hypocrisy in fighting so passionately for gay rights, and then turning around and criticizing or verbally bashing bisexuality."

And even though Heche's name brings venomous taste to France's mouth, she clearly sees the hypocritical oppression and its root. "We fear th at which we do not understand. Unfortunately I am guilty of this, as well. The gay and lesbian community has made such strides in changing the norms of our society by challenging the 'rules' that the heterosexual culture consider as standard. Then, we make our own set of rules by which we believe that everyone should live within. Are we any better than those who oppress us?"

Parker, who is African American, believes that the same types of oppression that exist in American society toward minorities play out in the gay and lesbian culture, too-even within the GLBT initials.

"There does seem to always be a way to develop a social hierarchy: gay then lesbian at the top, bisexuals in the middle and transsexuals at the bottom," Parker points out. Likewise, in mainstream society, she says, "Men at the top, women in the middle and people of color at the bottom. I think it is unfortunate that we care to label ourselves and allow this type of classism and phobia to exist anywhere."

And behind the hierarchies are a new set of queer rules.

"My own feeling is that the gay and lesbian community has adapted to the norms of our society; this [in turn] seems to grant us rights in passing judgment on what is acceptable and not acceptable in our culture for sexual preference," says France. "We broke free of the constraints that were placed upon us to allow us to live with our gay and lesbian partners. Then we made new rules to ban any other deviant behavior.... Shame on us."

The mirror

"Fear plays a heavy hand in any strong aversion-especially where someone is oppressed," says James, referring to that which is based at the root of the unknown. "So, there is an attacking that takes place to keep 'the other' at bay, while the entire time we don't allow ourselves to recognize that other within us.limiting our ability to richly honor ourselves and others through full-on acceptance!"

Williams figures that people are afraid that "somehow if someone is something that you are not, you are perverse and will be punished. Well, guess what? It's okay to be whoever the fuck you are. Billy can wear Mom's lipstick and pumps. Suzie can fix cars and cut her hair short. Chris can wear all the leather he/she fancies."

Of her partner of four years, France says, "I do not understand her attraction to both men and women.... She's been shaped by specific conditions in her own life that are unique from my own.... Each of us has a vastly different perspective."

And even though France loves and is committed to her partner, for her, the struggle is one of shared values. "Religious beliefs, social agendas, political agendas, family, environmental; the list is long," says France. And she believes they are at the cornerstone of relationships.

"After the bedroom, after the passion, we must have something that unites us .... T here is a fundamental shared value for gays and lesbians of sharing that experience with another gay or lesbian person...experiences like coming out to family, friends, the hate, the fear of othe rs, the fear within ourselves ," states France. "If we don't share that experience with our partner because they don't identify as gay or lesbian, but instead they identify as someone who just wants to be open to any experience that life offers, then there is a part of us that they cannot understand..... Likewise, there is a part of them that we do not understand."
Occasionally, for example, France's partner notices someone of the opposite sex and comments on his appearance as sexy or desirable.

"I really cannot relate to her on this level," France concedes. "In fact, it can feel alienating to me, even though I am not threatened by it. It is more than being threatened, it is more like a disconnect between us, which I attribute the need to share core values that bind us together."

France hopes other queers, too, will examine their relationships and maintain an active dialogue in order to break down social barriers. She says, "I would challenge us to lift our ideals beyond the 'rules' that we seem to set for our society." 

Williams adds, "Sometimes the worst prejudice is perpetrated by those who have experienced prejudice themselves. If we really want freedom, if we really want a country where equality is cherished, we have got to put away our fear of what's different and open-heartedly embrace diversity."

By Gina Daggett © 2003

Published in Just Out, 5 December 2003