Just Out's guide to tying the knot shows how commitment ceremonies aren't so queer after all

When the media firestorm reported on Canada's recent decision to legally recognize same-sex unions, news giant CNN asked a simple question then answered it.

"Will the new reality of gay marriage in Canada affect the United States?"
"You bet it will."

Even though it's not legal yet, while you're waiting for Bush to sign off on the queer marriage Bill (note to self: Vote in the 2004 presidential election) it's never too early to take that step with your honey and celebrate your commitment to one another before you can sign a marriage license.

When you're ready to begin planning your commitment ceremony, you have two options — hire a gay wedding planner or do-it-yourself.

Make it an Affair to Remember

"The only thing a couple has to have when they come to me is the desire to have a wedding," says Mike Piper, owner and wedding planner aficionado of An Affair to Remember. It doesn't hurt to also go with a few ideal dates, a rough budget of what you want to spend and an idea of what you're looking for.

The most common denominator with couples that come to me — 12 lesbian couples and one gay couple so far — is that they want to have the traditional wedding," says Piper. "They want the same things the straight couple has…the only thing they don't have is a marriage certificate."

One of the many benefits of using a planner like Piper, he says, "Once a client books me, I am the only person they have to deal with…any questions they have about their wedding they deal with me."

His fees, which are negotiable depending on the date and the scale of the event, usually cost $2500 for full-service planning. It seems like a small cost for Piper to take away the planning as well as your wedding day worries so you can focus on your partner and the event.

The Budget

"The budget is crucial," says Piper, whether or not you want a wedding planner to handle the details [and there are a lot] or do-it-yourself, you need to figure out what you want to spend. "I have lots of people come to me with these grandiose ideas with a list of two hundred people and they only have five thousand dollars." Another note to self: Weddings are expensive!

"Every single couple I've met — straight or gay — has no idea what weddings really cost to pull it off right." Piper notes that the average wedding that's has all the bells and whistles will cost around $200/guest; they start around $100 and get much more expensive. The fixed costs are what people don't consider-the photographer, the officiator, and the ceremony/reception site — no matter how many guests are invited, you have to have these components.

But in the end, Piper says, "I don't do as many gay and lesbian weddings as I would like." He laughs when shares what he attributes it to: "The lesbian couples don't have the money [for a planner] and the gay men would just do it themselves."

Planning Your Own Commitment Ceremony

If you're thinking about arranging your own commitment ceremony, there are a handful of questions — the 5 Ws — you and your partner should answer before you start the planning.

The 5 Ws

What is the meaning of your commitment ceremony?

What dates work well for you?

Who will be invited?

Would you like the ceremony and reception to be indoors or outdoors?

What are you willing to spend?

Once you've answered the 5Ws, it's time to take the first step in planning the ideal commitment ceremony. The steps, outlined below, include local Portland businesses/vendors that are either gay friendly or gay owned. Happy planning!

Cost Key

$100 or less $100 - $200 $200 - $500 $500 - $750 $500 - $750 $1000 - $3000

Ten Steps for the Ideal Commitment Ceremony

The cost key is a fun way to give you rough idea on what the components of a commitment ceremony and celebration cost. There are exceptions to each category. Contact vendor or location for specific quotes.

Step One: Find a Site for the Ceremony and Reception.

—+

Deciding on a location for the ceremony and reception is the most important decision a couple will make and lay the foundation for the rest of the planning. Depending on the scale of the event you and your partner want to have, it's a good idea to start planning a year in advance. A year out is when the good locations get booked, especially if you are planning on having a Saturday wedding in peak season — May to September. The site for the ceremony and reception are often times the same location for ceremonies that are not steeped in organized religion. Always remember to secure a "Plan B" if you're having an outdoor event. Oregon is not to be trusted. Mike Piper, with An Affair to Remember encourages couples to possibly get creative when deciding on a location. "There a million opportunities if you're willing to do your homework," says Piper.

Ceremony/Reception Options

• Downtown Hotels
  
  
  • "Gay money spends just as easily at hotels," says Piper.
  • Check POVA's Gay Portland Campaign out for special LGBT deals.
• Lewis and Clark College
• Oak Pioneer Church*
• Portland Parks and Recreation
  
  
  • Overlook house
  • Hoyt Arboretum
  • Rose Gardens
• Rex Hill Winery
• The White House
• The Old Church*

• Vintage Plaza

  * While there are many churches that treat homosexuals with respect, there are only a few where same-sex unions are celebrated.
  

Step Two: Find an Officiator

Finding someone who will preside over your ceremony is important even though there is no marriage license to file with the state. [See Sidebar on how to register with Multnomah County.] Before you sit down with an officiator, discuss what sort of ceremony you and your partner want to have. Know going in if you want to write your own vows or if you'd like to have the officiator do their well-thought out spiel. "I love the honesty and the freedom," says Reverend Kathleen Verigin about why she enjoys doing gay and lesbian weddings. "I don't always see that at heterosexual weddings." Reverend Verigin believes that gay and lesbian couples have had to go to a deeper level of trust and soul searching within their relationship and loves to celebrate same-sex unions.

• Kathy Hacket, Pastor, City Church
• Tim Mather, Spiritual Minister
• Glenna Shephard, MCC
• Kathleen Verigin, Reverend, Abundant Life Center
• Diane Wuesthoff, Reverend
• Alan Wynter, Jewish Weddings
  

Step Three: Order the Invitations

/per 100

It's a good idea to start thinking about invitations right away, as addresses can take awhile to round up and printing takes time. The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (Essential Guide) by Tess Ayers and Paul Brown (Alyson, 1999) says same-sex couples can think outside the box and don't have to emulate the traditional wedding invitation. "You can draw from a long line of traditions or you can thumb your nose at them." Whichever you decide, make sure you send them out four to six weeks prior to the event, giving guests plenty of time to pencil in your ceremony and out-of-towners to book air and hotel reservations. If there lots of out-of-towners, it's good to send out a "Save the Date" note card preceding the invitation. On the "Save the Date" note, be sure to include several hotel options and other pertinent information necessary for travelers to get the ceremony.

• An Affair to Remember
• BDC [Custom invitations only]
• Impress [Custom invitations only]
• The Print Shop
• www.gayweddinginvitations.com
  

Step Four: Find a Photographer

"It's what you're going to have when it's all said and done," says Russ Taylor, owner of Northlight Photography. So, it's important to use a photographer you are not only comfortable with, but also someone you can trust. Taylor encourages couples to make sure the photographer you choose shoots with more than one camera because backup is crucial incase something goes wrong. On average, says Taylor, we usually shoot some 500 shots at a ceremony and reception. Whether you book them for the reception or the ceremony, or for the entire evening, like many other photographers, Taylor's prices are dynamic. Translated: "He's not going to be charging the same for a Sunday in January as he would for a Saturday in August." Also, it's a good idea to book your photographer, if you want a good one, nine to twelve months out.

• Fox Photography
• Jamie Bosworth Photographer
• Northlight Photography
• Out and Out Productions
• Photos by Margaret
  

Step Five: Order the Flowers

/ Bride's bouquet
/ Bridesmaid's bouquet
/ Center pieces
/ Boutonnières

Like many of the other components to a gay wedding, what florists are seeing is the desire for traditional centerpieces, bouquets and boutonnières. "All our pieces are custom-made to whatever the couple desires," says a Broadway Floral designer. The only limiting factor is which flowers are in season. It's a good rule of thumb to order floral arrangements with plenty of lead time. Broadway Floral suggests three to six months. According to The Essential Guide, Orchids, Pansies, Calamus', Hyacinths, Ladsloves and Violets are all flowers historically associated with homosexuality. The guide also says that if you can't stand the thought of holding a bouquet, "you can always carry a miniature poodle or another small pet."

• An Affair to Remember
• Broadway Floral
• Beaumont Florist
• Westside Florist
  

Step Six: Book Your Caterer

/guest

Everyone will expect to eat at your commitment ceremony reception. Whether it's a buffet or a sit-down, five-course meal, guests need sustenance; especially if alcohol is being served. Additionally, The Essential Guide says, "What you serve your guests and how well may be one of the major things they will remember." This can be a very pricy component to a wedding, and ultimately, one of the most important. Book your caterer three to six months in advance. If you're planning on having your reception at the Vintage Plaza hotel, lucky you, Pazzo is their exclusive caterer. Amy Levy at Pazzo says the average dinner is $33/ guest-this includes a salad, dinner choice and dessert. "I also let couples choose there own menu and can work around various price budgets," says Levy. [This doesn't include the cost of the banquet room.]

• Art of Catering
• Delilah's Catering
• Four Seasons Catering
• Joseph's Desserts
• Vintage Plaza
  

Step Seven: Let the Cake Take the Cake

—

The grand finale, the wedding cake is an important element of a well-rounded, and potentially sticky, reception. "Our wedding cake was the epicenter of the party," says Deb and Gail, a lesbian couple married in the summer of 2001 about their Polly Cake. "It was so beautiful," says Gail, "when we went to cut it, the guests, in unison, said 'Nooooo.'" Don't forget to order your cake several months in advance, as they take several days to assemble and good bakeries get busy. Also, be sure to arrange or pick up same-sex figurines for the top.

• Alameda Baking Co.
• Beaverton Baking
• Joseph's Dessert Company
• Polly Cakes
  

Step Eight: Get Some Fashion Sense…Rings, Dresses and Tails

If you're going to have a commitment ceremony, there's a good chance you'll want to not only be dressed to the nines, but also exchange rings. "Because we have our own rules, we're free to do what's comfortable for us," says Edmund Gaines, owner of Pendleton Jewellers about his plethora of ring choices. Gaines notes that the only trend he's seen with gay and lesbian couples is they like to have rings that are similar in design. He also encourages couples to discuss their expectations for ring wear before coming in and to be active in the design process.

Wedding Rings

—

• Gilt (vintage rings)
  
• Judith Arnell Jewelers
  
• LaRog's
  
• Maloy's Jewelry Workshop
• Pendleton Jewellers
  

Debbie, owner of A Formal Affair says no matter where you choose to get your formal wear, "It's important to feel comfortable. And if you're getting the stenchy eye, leave immediately, because it's only going to get worse." From the dozen or so weddings they do in a year, they always put the ladies in tails (it's more flattering to the female body) and offer their gay and lesbian clients the option of after-hours appointments, depending on their comfort level. A word of advice from A Formal Affair: "Have the wedding of your dreams not someone else's.

Wedding Wear

—[ Tuxedos ]
—[ Wedding Dress ]

• A Formal Affair
  
• A Beautiful Bride

Step Nine: Reception Entertainment & Design

—

The costs for reception entertainment and décor really range in price, depending on what scale you'd like to decorate. One of the many benefits of using Piper with An Affair to Remember for wedding planning is their in-house props that "clients can use free of charge." If you choose to rent props — pillars, candelabras, vases — it can get really costly. Also, it doesn't need to be dance party USA, but at a minimum, background music is important, so be prepared to consider live music, a DJ or a sound system.

• Affordable Karaoke
• Don's Rentals
• Kennedy Rentals
• The Prop Shop
• West Coast Productions
  

Step Ten: Transportation
/hour

If the ceremony and reception are at the same place, moving from point A to point B might not be necessary. However, if the happy queer couple needs to be transported, you'll want to do so in style. It's a good idea to book a limousine many months in advance, again, especially in peak season, as there are only so many limos in Portland. Tips are not included in their base price and there will be a minimum number of hours you'll have to book them.

• Arrive in Style Limo
• Classic Chauffeur

Now that you have a how-to guide on how to plan a commitment ceremony, there's nothing stopping you. If you save up your money and follow all the above steps, you too, can pull of your own commitment ceremony. And then maybe one day soon, you'll be able to fill out a marriage license too.

By Gina Daggett

Gina Daggett is a freelance writer based in Portland. She can be reached at gina@ginadaggett.com.

Sidebar: Multnomah County Domestic Partner Registration

So, you're in love and want to officially document your relationship with a governmental agency. One of the things gay and lesbian couples can do, despite not legally being able tying the knot, is register their union with Multnomah County. Neither partner needs to be a Multnomah County resident, but the couple must live together and share the common necessities of life. Once the papers have been filed, there is no trial waiting period and it's a done deal; you're domestic partnered.

Things to consider before registering:

• Both partners need to be present to sign and register with the County.
• Neither partners can be legally married or registered to another partner domestically.
• Both partners must be at least 18.
• Partners seeking partnership cannot be related by blood and must be mentally competent.
• Each partner must be the sole domestic partner and have no intention of ending the union.

What: Domestic Partnership Registration
Where: 501 SE Hawthorne Blvd., Portland, OR 97214-3577. 503.988.3027
When: 8:00 a.m. to 4:45 p.m. M-F
Cost: $60.00 [No personal checks, no refunds]

For more information, check out their website: www.co.multnomah.or.us/dbcs/assess_tax/dompar.shtml

Sidebar: Eloping to Vermont

When Beth and Rebecca recently went on a trip to New England with a few friends, as their plane took off from Portland, they had no idea that when it touched back down, they'd be married.

They hadn't planned on tying the knot, but after several days spent in a farmhouse in the Hampton's one of their friends said, "Hey, you two are so obviously in love, you should drive to Vermont tomorrow…and get legally married!" (Vermont is only a 45-minute drive north from the Hamptons.) The couple didn't even have to think about it, the decision between them was "mutual, spontaneous, and incredibly joyful."

So the couple, who met in Just Out personals in early 2002, got in the car and drove across the border. "We were in the right place at the right time with absolutely the right person," says the couple about the spontaneity of it all.

In Brattelborough, Vermont, the couple filled out the proper paperwork, tracked down a judge and bought two gold bands. As the judge said, "I now pronounce you legally united," the couple was overjoyed because finally, "we were real; we were legal," says the pair. Before parting ways with the judge, she told Rebecca and Beth, "Never let an institution question your union."

They spent their wedding night in Provincetown at a romantic, gay-owned Bed and Breakfast. And when they woke up, Rebecca says, "The morning was sunny, the streets were empty and the smell of New England coffee brought the prettiest smile to my new wife's face."

The couple is having a Portland reception this month to celebrate with friends and family. "Love isn't planned, it just happens," says the couple. In the same way, "You don't consider eloping, you just do."

For more information on getting hitched in Vermont, check out www.gayweddings.com